Post 12 - Draft Script and Feedback

1ST DRAFT

FEEDBACK FROM REBECCA KNAPP

A TV and film producer from the media industry called Rebecca Knapp had looked into our first draft of our script and then gave us the following feedback:

One of the first things Rebecca had noticed in the front page of our script was the general information which included the date it was written, a contact number, number of drafts and finally the name of the people who had written the script. Rebecca had explained that it is vital to have these information in front of the page so that the writers and directors can say, for example, if anyone needs to get in touch for whatever reason, the contact details is very vital. The number of drafts is also very necessary that the writers and directors can tell the difference between the new improved script and the final version. Rebecca has also noticed that the characters name had to be in the centre of the page and in capital letters once the names had already been seen at first.

She also mentioned that in the media industry each page had represented one minute of the film, so we had seven pages altogether so this meant that our film would be around seven minutes long which is roughly the ideal duration for a short film. Rebecca’s final comment on the layout of our script is that it had too many acting directions and not enough of actually showing on what the characters should actually do and also the introduction of each characters weren’t descriptive enough.

After Rebecca had read through our last scene, in the second shot, James who appeared to be looking at his phone when receiving a text, Rebecca mentioned that instead of filming the mobile phone when he receives the text which may seem very unprofessional and unsteady instead she suggested that it would be better to have a message appear up on the screen using the editing software like dramatic TV programmes use nowadays.

Another point that Rebecca had mentioned was our title, She didn’t like the whole thought of the title ‘Concealed’ as it sounded too obvious and it would give the plot away. So then we had to think of some title names and the suggestions we came up with were ‘Popular’; this was because our main character who is a popular ‘football lad’ and liked by everyone, doesn’t what to put his reputation at risk. Finally we came up with the title ‘Status’ this was to suggest James does not want to put his ‘status’ at risk.

Rebecca also felt that the characters personalities had to have more of a build up to outline the big shock at the end and so that the audience can get a sense of emotion from James’ point of view. So she suggested to ways of doing this and these were as follows:

-          Have other characters saying nice things about him, Roxanne [his girlfriend] for example saying ‘you’ve got a heart of a gold you have’.

-    Or by developing the character to make him look as if he's a nice person, we decided to do this by  adding another part to scene 2, another young student walks past James with a load of books in his hands, Roxanne who deliberately bumps in to him which results in him dropping all the books on the floor, James then feels disgusted in Roxanne and so walks back towards the young boy to help him pick up the books. This will bring out James' character and will show the selfish side of Roxanne and so the audience would take a dislike on her and also make the audience feel good that the gay couple are happy together even if he left his girlfriend for his 'true love'. 

Rebecca also felt that it needed something more to it, a tension between James and Ashley so that it makes it harder for James to choose between either his happiness or his status. The idea we came up with is that may be James used to be best friends with Ashley and then for the reason on why there is tension between and and why it has to be kept as a secret.

2ND DRAFT

FEEDBACK AFTER 2ND DRAFT


This is the second draft of our script made after Rebecca's feedback. It is now in the correct layout and the characters have their own individuality outlined. To make sure that there weren't any more mistakes or need to be further developed we asked for further feedback from our teachers and peers.


For Roxanne we purposely did not want to mention her name in the film as we want it to be a surprise to the audience this is because we want them to assume that Roxanne's name is Ashley and so there will be a big shock at the end as they will find out and the secret will be revealed about his homosexuality and his relationship with Ashley. In the narrative we decided that we wanted to the audience to take a dislike on her and not feel that she is the 'victim' in this film therefore we decided to make her be seen as selfish character, with the incidents such as Roxanne bumping into the vulnerable young student, talking about her own life and what her mum bought her, everything revolves around her own world and nothing else concerns. even James' feeling, whether he's happy or not, she doesn't take any interest in him apart from knowing that she is the school's favourite popular James' girlfriend. 


For the location we decided that we wanted it to be in a school as homosexuality would be seen as wrong and young people like to make immature and harsh comments about anything that is 'abnormal' and so in homosexuality terms it would be seen that students would most likely shout physical abuse such as 'bell-end' or 'gay prick'. We also had the extras already wearing their school uniform and therefore established about the fact that it is a school environment.


For Ashley we decided that we wanted him to be liked by the audience and also make the audience feel sorry for him especially when he gets beaten up by James' football friends also Roxanne being in the same shot, staring at the fight and just laughing at him and accepting the fact that there's nothing wrong with the boys beating him up suggesting the insensitive side of her and therefore the audience would much prefer Ashley and have an dislike effect on Roxanne.


Lastly we felt that we wanted our film to be as natural as possible, following the style of French New Wave, having natural lighting, natural extras with their usual uniform, and sound dropping in and out to illustrate the emotions and concentrate more on the characters facial expressions.